I Hugged an Abuser Yesterday
I hugged an abuser yesterday… a man who has raped, beaten, and cursed those he was called to protect, honour and love.
I hugged an abuser yesterday… a man who defies the reality that his actions, words and lifestyle are evil.
I hugged an abuser yesterday… a man who professes to be a follower of Jesus.
I hugged an abuser yesterday… a man whom I have known and loved my entire life.
There is something unsettling about the expression and demonstration of compassion and love toward those who are known to have committed heinous acts of abuse. Within our hearts and minds we cry “Unjust! Undeserved!” or “Beware! Don’t be fooled!” I understand this—I have been on the other end of stories like these more times than I would like. Whether I hear accounts of abuse in my personal life or in the counselling room, my heart’s response is often fueled by a desire for justice and protection. The repulsion and warning which spontaneously yet powerfully arises within me, is good and right, because it reflects the heart of God for all who are oppressed. However, I have been challenging myself, and I want to challenge you, to consider that there is a story behind each individual who harms; there is a depth and breadth of pain which must be wisely considered in order to move forward with humility and healing.
We Need to Consider God’s Image
In my consideration of humanity, sin, and the One who created us, I have come to see that this man in my life, while having done monstrous things, is not a monster. This man who has acted with evil intent in his heart, is still a man created in God’s image. This man who abused those he ought to have cherished, is desperately deluded and utterly lost. His prideful, tough exterior does not easily reveal the truth, but there is turmoil and fear in his soul from memories of the past.
I know this to be true, because I am also a human created by God, with a heart affected by memories and sin. In a similar way, to one who abuses, my heart unchecked seeks to control the world around me. I seek to arrange comfort and success in my circumstances, so that my felt needs and insecurities are met. The true state of affairs in a heart which seeks to control, be comforted, and affirmed by others, is tumultuous turmoil. As I consider the horrific, the detestable, the most deplorable acts a human commits, I have asked myself this question: Am I able to identify with them? Or do I believe that I am a special human creation—a better one—incapable of living out such a deleterious existence?
We Need Jesus
The Bible tells us that Jesus, God’s son, came to the earth to save the lost, the sick, those who were hated and written off by the more acceptable people of society (Luke 7:36-50; 19:1-10). He came to the earth and lived as a man, experienced all the struggles and temptations inherent to humanity, yet, he remained sinless and fully God. Jesus lived among the least respected people, and he loved them. His love for these people was scandalous, and viewed by some as unjust and undeserved because some in his company did horrific things deserving great punishment. Jesus, however, sought to know them. He ate with them and walked alongside them (Matt 9:9-13). With a word or a touch, he opened their eyes and granted forgiveness and healing.
Paul writes,
as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;
Romans 3:10-18 (ESV)
no one understands; no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”
“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.”
“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
“Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known.”
“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
When we honestly evaluate our hearts before God, we are undoubtedly able to identify with people like this, because we are all people like this. We are all sinners in need of a Saviour.
We need F-A-I-T-H
The man I hugged yesterday needs true faith in Jesus, which J. I. Packer succinctly describes as F-A-I-T-H: “forsaking all I take him.”1 To trust in Jesus is to forsake all else that would vie for one’s security, affection and trust. Forsaking all, requires humility, and humility requires ongoing godly grief and repentance at the feet of the One has taken our sin upon himself.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret…
2 Corinthians 7:10a (ESV)
The man I hugged is an abuser. He has sinned grievously, against many people, but most significantly against God. I too have sinned grievously against my God: “For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:22a-23). Unlike this man, however, I am continually moved in my heart by godly grief toward repentance. It is at this point where I confess and turn from my sin that God graciously works humility in my heart. This man whom I have known my whole life, has not yet confessed his sin; He has not yet bowed his knee in humility before the One who will judge him perfectly.
In the moments before I offered compassion and love through my embrace, I was struck with the truth: this man is blind, and I am able to see. The only difference between us is that God has opened my eyes to see my sin. I hugged an abuser because I know the saving grace of Jesus—I want this man to know that this grace is available to him as well the moment he acknowledges the depravity of his heart, repents and accepts the forgiveness offered him by the costly blood of Jesus.
Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped, and the whole world may be held accountable to God. For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.
Romans 3:19-26 (ESV)
But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it—the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.
This is a piece written out of the battle against bitterness and discouragement in my heart. This is my encouragement to fight against the haughty nature within us which arises in the face of abuse. This is not an encouragement to remain in abuse or engage in relationships with those who are harmful and unrepentant. God’s heart for the oppressed is very clear throughout Scripture – it is for freedom and safety.
Jodi Adrian is a biblical counsellor at The Biblical Counselling Group in North Vancouver, British Columbia. She is the mother of three daughters, a son, and a daughter-in-law; and she is grandmother to two adorable little ones. Jodi works with children, youth and adults, and counts it a privilege to help individuals navigate relationships, including abuse.